Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Loving motherhood

It's hard to believe a year ago I was just sitting around waiting.  Waiting for a whole new life to begin with my new little family.  Anxious with the anticipation of life as a new mom.  I could never have imagined how much love I was about to experience in one little instant, or how many questions I would have that I never knew I should ask or how little sleep I really needed to still be a functioning member of society.

My little Riesling has almost made her way around the calendar for the first time.  In just one short year she has changed my life and helped me rival the better side of myself.  Everyday I am reminded that it is my job to teach, guide, and support her in this experience we call life.  Embracing those huge responsibilities has calmed my soul, stretched my patience and tenderized my heart.  I am in love with motherhood.

For a long time after my mom died I dreaded facing the future without her, particularly the highlights of adulthood like marriage and parenting.  I really thought becoming a mother without her would be  grim, painful, and confusing.  I anticipated that the sadness of being without such a imperative figure could possibly outweigh the joy of becoming a mother.  I have found the exact opposite to be true. I now have the perfect somewhere to direct and place all of her that is within me.  It was hard for me to imagine what parts of her I would need to channel in this new part of my life. 

I can't pick up the phone to ask her about diaper rash, weird colored poop, or secret teething remedies (let's be honest, times have changed anyways and I would probably spend most of my time convincing her that it's not Ok to put whiskey on a pacifier). I can remember her calm composure and the way she supported her kids without question.  Her somewhat stern but fair about house rules.   All the nights she sat up with me when I was sick or softly talked me into dreamland when I couldn't fall asleep. I know there will be a million times for the rest of my life as a parent that I will think about her and know just what to do.  Long before I knew it was possibly, she is the one who taught me to be in love with motherhood.

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